On Looking Forward.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this need to always have something to look forward to.  There have been times, when I can’t sleep, that I’ll concoct elaborate, cinematic scenes of the future to lull myself to sleep.  In my early adolescence, it was the moment when that boy finally notices me and we kiss!  Later in high school it was college when my future would begin.  I was going to go to a free-spirited, bohemian college, where I would wear long flowing skirts with thrifted boys’ t-shirts, with my hair in a haphazard pile on the top of my head.  And then, of course, my future daydreams took the shape of a wedding.  It wasn’t so much about embracing the Wedding Industrial Complex (as the daughter of two wedding photographers, I knew better) as it was about this magical, glowing day, where every last detail was creative and interesting and beautiful and mine.*

And while I know I have certainly not grown out of this looking forward (now it’s babies, naturally), there’s another feeling along with it too.  In between daydreams of having an interesting, fulfilling, creative career, and imagining how freaking awesome our kids will be, I have these moments of sheer contentment.  I’m finding joy in things like coming home to someone I love, in the home we made for ourselves.  We have a home, full of things that reflect who we are, where we’ve been, and who we love.  We have a circle of creative, talented friends who are here to support us.  We’ve made a life, pieced together with bits and pieces of this and that, like a nest.

Past and present. (Portrait on the right by Ashley Goldberg.)

And when I do find my thoughts drifting to that dreamy future, I actually feel like maybe I can just go and make it happen.  And I think this is the first time in my fledgling adulthood I’ve really felt that way.

The face of contentment (and a little red wine).

So, yeah.  It’s pretty damn cool.

*my wedding was actually rather magical, but that’s another story for another day.

8 thoughts on “On Looking Forward.

  1. I hear ya. I’m always the last one to bed. I lay there in the quiet and want to pinch myself. My husband and babe are sleeping and we have built a home together. And for now at least, we’re all healthy and happy. For the first time in my life, I can really be present and grateful and just stop for a few minutes and soak it all in. I think that’s why my thirties are going to rock so hard.

  2. I always thought that in college you were falling asleep to visions of the SIMS and Fastball lyrics. Who knew you were so deep! Just kidding. I do this too. Usually, now I dream of my renovated kitchen. I am proud of the life I have built and glad I only have frivolous dreams of mission style drawer fronts to keep me up at night. By the way, I like your blog!

  3. Pingback: Welcome, Thirties | Corinne Bowen

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